Saved by Grace

For many years I swam in the ocean of self pity and delusion of happiness
The saltiness of my tears hurt my eyes and forced them shut
I could no longer see the beauty of anything
Beauty was a scared faced fantasy for the deluded and foolish
Would you blame me though?
Years of picking up broken pieces of myself and taping myself together all in hopes of getting whole
Hope was a painful sour word that left drag marks in mouth when spoken
It was sad for me to watch people happy
I felt sorry for them
For I knew behind every laugh, a thousand screams lay burried deep in there stomach
Many forced and faked smiles all made with transparent tape for the broken to see
Laughter was a painful way to grieve the loss of oneself and I heard the cries of many
How could I ever want to survive on this earth with this weight straining my back bone? I dare not stand straight
Hiding behind trees, shrubs, street corners was my shadow
Scared of what I might do to it, it stayed clear
Deserted I was
More years trickled Down and pain bore anger, anger bore fear and fear bore...death
Dead was I for I Knew not how to live
Living was an insult to my existence so cursed was the day a smile formed
For it hurt like hell to feel the dry lips stretch
Bleeding lips and swollen eyes where my everyday makeup routine
Funny enough, man was yet again enticed by my so called "beauty"
He fell for the swolleness of my heart and  mistook it for a big heart
I played along for what did I have to lose?
Friendship blossomed Into liking, that blossomed into love and for the first time I felt my heart actually beat
A seed of love had been planted and I was frightened
For it had fallen on thorny ground and it was inevitable that it would choke to its doom, question was when?
For months I waited for this little seed to dry up and be choked but against all odds it began to sprout
For the life of me I could not let this happen
No man was to enter my fortress and win over this heart of mine
The dragons guarding it awoke to fight this battle of the heart
If am honest, I Knew fighting was a lost cause but I still tried anyway
It was a gruesome battle and all the taped pieces were back on the floor, blood poured everywhere and I felt death for the last time
For something unexpected happened
The little seed of love gave birth to happiness, faith, hope, kindness and beauty
The spilt blood found its way home to a renewed heart and just like that...I was made whole
It was a strange feeling, fear left bread crumbs to follow but for the first I chose life
Living was far more different than I'd thought
Love healed me
Like a new born opening it's eyes for the first time, the light was too much at first but once they adjusted, I could see again
I could see through my heart
The world seem so different than before
So much I had missed and so much I had to learn
The biggest thing I had to do on this new journey was forgive myself
Forgive myself for clawing at me and despising beauty for it was not a curse but a gift
A gift to be treasured and I finally understood that
As for him, he left right after leading me on this new journey and it hurt
It frightened me to think what my life would be like without him
Tears streamed down my face and it hurt
But I found an even deeper love
One that spoke of new dreams and new experiences
One that would never leave
I was hurting and scared and on the journey to wholeness and had baggage that I had to drop off but he didn't care
He didn't care that I was still forgiving myself or that I was still healing
The strangest thing was that he took my hand and said "I'll do it for you, we'll walk this journey together"
My heart stopped for a second and I froze
I looked in his eyes and saw something pure and open and welcoming and I saw...everything
Not through my eyes, my heart but I saw through his eyes and in that moment my whole world changed
Fear, pain, hurt, anger, solitude all left me and there I received love
Pure love
A new beginning
He took all my faults and imperfections and gave me a new life